Towards the end of every pay period, you could find me scrounging for change between my couch cushions. I’d pilfer through the wrappers and crumbs, hoping I’d be able to conjure up enough money to afford a “gourmet meal” off the dollar menu. I was living the “broke college kid” life and it sucked. I was barely getting by and I knew something had to change. That’s when the idea first came to fruition, ‘maybe I could do porn and make some money fast’.
I will admit I am horrible at saving money, I tried and tried but something always got in my way. It was a textbook- two steps forward, one step backward scenario. It probably didn’t help that upon moving to college, I also acquired a newfound fascination with vodka.
That could also be an understatement.
Is Porn Easier Than my Current Situation?
To my defense, I was working 20+hrs/week, going to school full time, and did some philanthropy work here and there. (Sainthood, I know right?) I wasn’t just sitting on my ass. I made every effort I could to pick up extra shifts while balancing nursing school and social life. Between them both, I never felt like I got to fully enjoy socializing like some college kids, nor did I feel like I had enough time to give 110% to school as I wanted.
Photo by Karolina Grabowska from Pexels
Have no fear. Nursing school did become #1 after this little side gig scenario.
There had to be an easier way. How were so many kids enjoying school, going out, buying new clothes, shit buying new food too?! Why did I feel like I was the only one struggling to make ends meet while everyone else was loving college? This wasn’t what I had pictured.
(end my personal pity party)
I fully realized these were all my decisions. I dug this hole, and if I wanted to climb out of it I needed to focus, work hard, and come up with a plan quickly. Like most millennials desperate for money and help, I took to the internet. After several attempts asking the Google gods for help, I saw it. “Questions to ask yourself when looking for a job”. #1- ‘What do you like?
I mean it sounds simple enough, so I made a list and quickly discovered the trio I thought would catapult me out of debt. I liked boys, sex, and traveling. It took me a few minutes to find their connection, and then it hit me again. Only this time, I was much more serious about my mission.
Am I cut out to do porn?
Is my true calling in adult entertainment? Was I meant to be on the other side of my laptop screen having glorious amounts of hot sex on camera instead of studying for my nursing exams? Here I am thinking I had my life figured out, but apparently I was meant to care for people in a much different outlet.
The more I pondered on it, I did in fact like porn. Who am I kidding? Not even like, I loved porn. No matter the time or my mood, I could always throw on some porn and feel instantly satisfied and recharged. It’s like a fresh cup of cold brew coffee in the morning- satisfying and energizing. At first thought, it sounded like a great idea. The pros certainly outweighed the cons right out of the gate.
Next began my research into my new passion project. Who else is doing porn these days? What are they like in terms of looks, size, and well pretty much everything else? Sure I want to do porn, but now the real question is, will I even get booked?
Photo by William Choquette from Pexels
Thankfully years of swimming and running paid off and I’d kept my body looking pretty good even with my new affinity for cheap vodka. I looked in the mirror and began to analyze. I checked all the boxes I thought most pornstars had: body, face, dick, and ass.
The best part of this all, looking back now, is realizing how I certainly did not have any of that >.< At least not compared to how I look now. Let’s just say between then and now, a solid 35lbs of muscle differentiation.
Luckily, with a stroke of confidence, and probably some vodka shots, I started snapping some selfies and submitting applications.
What if my family finds out I’m in porn?
What could possibly hold me back?… Oh yeah, I still hadn’t come out yet…that part. Yikes.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
So do I come out and just rip it off like a bandaid? I decided against it and I figured my chances would be pretty low of anyone finding out if I did porn anyways. I had no intention of shooting for the biggest most popular studios. My confidence was good, not that good though. Besides, I hadn’t even filmed yet, so who knew if I would even get casted. I didn’t see me coming out of the closet to be a concern at this point without anyone even emailing me back.
Fast forward after spending weeks, maybe months, applying to multiple studios and I finally got a callback. I was heading to San Diego baby.
The trip was over a long weekend. Long enough to shoot a few videos solo and in some groups to get me some money for food and rent. The whole experience flew by so fast I was back in Kentucky before I knew it.
A few more months go by and another studio contacts me. They reached out to me. I was kinda in awe, but I can not deny, I loved the new attention. Maybe this was my calling and I was just getting started on my big break? SO, with my newly made XXX twitter account, the next stop was San Jose. I was both anxious and excited to get some new material for my newly established twitter fans. (all 100ish of them I’m sure >.< haha)
When my Porn Dream lost its touch
I made two trips out to San Jose that year. Why not right? I got to travel to beautiful California, have as much sex as I want, and all the while I got paid for it. Dream come true, right? I thought I had it all figured out. I was falling more in love with this double life I had established without anyone close to me knowing anything about it. Unfortunately, the money and the adventure were short-lived.
As much as I enjoyed my newly, yet poorly established double life, I couldn’t keep up. It was too much to handle balancing school, my campus job, a social life, family, and now an entirely separate life I needed to devote time and energy to. I had neither the time nor the energy. It was either commit full time to the industry, which it truly is a fulltime commitment, or focus on building my nursing career. I’ve learned many times not to spread myself too thin, so this time I decided to learn from my past. I deleted my Twitter account and started to buckle down in school.
Learn From a Real Pornstar
I connected with pornstar Wade Wolfgar to ask what challenges he’s faced being in the industry and how he manages to continue his work.
“This is a tricky question, but probably the most interesting. Some challenges are quite superficial. For instance, the pressure of performing is daunting, especially with bigger productions that require a full crew…
…I think the greater challenge is understanding yourself internally, and knowing when to dive in and when to take time for yourself. There seems to be a high turnover rate for porn models and sex workers which I suspect have a lot to do with the stress of dealing with fans, being constantly objectified, traveling a lot, and managing relationships.”
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
I couldn’t agree more. Even having been in the industry for less than a year at the time I could already sense the impact it was having on me mentally.
Just shy of two years, I quit.
The mistakes I made
As I was newly out in the gay world I was completely overwhelmed and underprepared for the changes about to unfold in my life. My involvement in porn was never a mistake. How I tried balancing it with a million other things on my plate was a mistake.
- I got carried away with thinking I could do it all without making any time for myself.
Photo by Madison Inouye from Pexels
- I got swept up in Twitter daily, wasting hours online trying to impress strangers
- Let my school work suffer for a brief moment, so I could travel
- I realized I was no longer doing anything for myself that I enjoyed, but only for others.
- Self-care was not incorporated into my life, and it certainly should’ve been
Those mistakes, just to name a few, are why porn wasn’t right for me.
Sure I made some good money at first, but it wasn’t enough. The financial freedom that I thought would occur never happened. I could’ve continued on and pushed to do more and make more, but the push behind it was dwindling along with my natural sex drive.
To solidify my decision to quit my parents found out a month later.
Although them finding out wasn’t my true reason for quitting, it sure did confirm that they were not fans of it. Maybe I would’ve stuck with it or given it another try down the road had they reacted differently, who knows? At least I was smart about traveling, someone always knew where I was, and I wasn’t breaking any laws. Like my mother said to my father, “at least he’s not a murderer.” That’s definitely one way to look at it.
Back to Online Vids at Home
Would I have stuck with it or given it another try down the road had my parents reacted differently, who knows, maybe… Yeah, probably.
Asking Wade how his family reacted, he said, “They pretty much just said, “Okay, as long as you’re safe.” That’s what’s important and more the reaction I was hoping to get out of my parents but I, unfortunately, did not.
Even though I was safe and smart, I was still young and naive. I had much to learn, in life and in myself.
Thinking back on those times, I remember how unnatural those videos felt. It was planned out and coordinated to fit someone else’s needs, which I’ve learned over time is something I hate. Give me raw, unplanned, authentic sex. Stop, go, stop, move this, flex that was not my groove. In even in my short time in porn, the work involved killed my natural sex drive. It felt way too much like a job I didn’t enjoy
After quitting, I slowly got my old horn ball self back. I was sexually active on my own time with whom I wanted and it felt natural again. I had time to focus on myself, relax, and recharge.
Wade mentioned to me that for him, “I have to make sure I’m taking excellent care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally at all times. Some people are just built for it, but I think that a lot of people who aren’t in tune with themselves burn out quickly.”
An extended break from anything can be healthy and necessary, especially when you’re trying to be someone other than yourself in my case.
I’m thankful I got to try porn. It’s helped me learn a lot about myself and develop as a person. Like any experience, it’s what you learn from it that truly matters going forward. I learned I still love traveling, sex, and together I really enjoy being able to do them on my own accord.
So… Is porn right for you? Maybe! You’ll never know until you try.
Is Your Sex Life Struggling?
Have you ever considered being in porn? Or- maybe you just need a little help with your dating and sex life?
I can’t promise you’ll become the next breakthrough pornstar.
What I can help you achieve is:
- More confidence in yourself and how you interact with others
- A healthier looking and feeling body through diet and exercise
- Greater knowledge on how to elevate not only your social and dating life but even your sex game
Get your FREE HEALTH ASSESSMENT and see how I can help you become mentally, physically, and even sexually fit.
noah.bernard
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